How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler