“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
You had me at ruff.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
You snow the drill.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
Get in the swim this summer.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.