What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese