Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
My skate blade is not the only thing made of steel.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Yoda one for me!
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.