My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
I C Major potential in us getting together.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
I have no shelf control.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.