Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Nice asteroids.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.