Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.

An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.

Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.

I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.

Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.

I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.

The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.

You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.

I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.

I miss you! I’ll see you tater!

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.

What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.

If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.

What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!

How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.

Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.

How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.

So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.

I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.

Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.

Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art

"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."

Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.

What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.

What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.

What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!

“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu

What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.

"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown

Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.

What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!

Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Aldo.

Aldo who?

Aldo anything for you.

When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'

Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.

What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee

What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.

The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.

What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!

It's a nice night for a white rice fight.

Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.