"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
Dublin over in laughter.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.