What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey who tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
Nathan compares to you
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.