While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".

What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.

“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”

– Markus Zusak

I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.

The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.

Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.

Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.

How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.

How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.

Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.

The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.

What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.

We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.

What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve

What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!

My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.

Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx

Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.

The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.

My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.

Goat milk?

Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal

My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.

What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.

What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!

What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.

What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!

Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.

“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown

What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!

I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.

Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.

“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns

What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!

I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.

What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.

When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!

I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.

“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”

- Steve Ryan.

“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather

How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.

Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.