What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
In space, no one can hear us scream.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
I beg your garden?
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
I love you berry much.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous