Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
You know, your smile has been lighting up the room all night, and I just had to come and say hello.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!