Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Go big or go gnome.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
.
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.