"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
“The road to success is always under construction.”
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!