Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen