The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
You should see what I can do with ice.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."