Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!