What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.

Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!

What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.

How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!

What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.

What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.

Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?

I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!

Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.

Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.

From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!

I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level

What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.

“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.

Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!

My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.

Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.

Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.

Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.

Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.

I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.

What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!

How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.

Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.

Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.

It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.

What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline

What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!

My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.

Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?

If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller

- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.

You're hot enough for both of us during winter.

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.

“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley

Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!

I wish I had your number, so I could’ve invited you to dinner last weekend.

Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.

What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.

Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.