Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
Calm before the score
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."