What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!

There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.

I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.

I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.

What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.

Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.

What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia

In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.

I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.

Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.

What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry

Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.

My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.

What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.

Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations

“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg

What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.

When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.

A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.

"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."

A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."

Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered

Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.

The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.

What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.

Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.

"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown

The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.

I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.

How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!

Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.

Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...

Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.

What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy

A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.

Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?

What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.

Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.

I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"