What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
The sun is just a big space heater.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving?
an Albuturquey
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
You're one in a melon.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
You've really struck a gourd with me...
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
Your fragrance lights up my life.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery