I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!

“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”

- Emo Phillips.

What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.

Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!

In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.

My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.

Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!

Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.

“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”

Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.

Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”

What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.

"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard

“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser

“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown

My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.

What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.

“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga

What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.

My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”

As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.

What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!

What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?

“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown

I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.

"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.

How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.

I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!

Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.

What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !

I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows

(Anonymous)

My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.

Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.

That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?

Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!

- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.