Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
"You had me at merlot."
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.