Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
What a spud muffin.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
You have been running through my mind all day.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.