I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
I Wanna Be Your Man
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!