We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
Readers do it by the book.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
You had me at cello.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
I beg your garden?
You’re sledding a fine line there.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?