If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"