"Don't worry, be hoppy."
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”