I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
"You can't beat me."
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
You are so right. And I am so left.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!