“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
We've reached the point of snow return.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
Time to spruce things up.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
I couldn't chair less!
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
You are my butter-half!