The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving?
an Albuturquey
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.