What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
You snooze. You booze.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
Tis the sea-sun.
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
I'm the life of the paddy.
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White