Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.

Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!

When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!

Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.

Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley

What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”

Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!

Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.

Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!

Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.

Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.

What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.

What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!

Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.

I feel like we're in tune

“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”

- Nia Vardalos.

Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.

"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.

"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown

How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.

Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.

Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!

What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!

Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!

I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.

When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.

Why do you only drive automatics?

‘I could never find a manual.’

"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."

What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”

There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.

Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.

Irish I had better jokes.

What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.

What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed

My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.

Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.

Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.

I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!