Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
Metaphors be with you.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Yule be sorry.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
I bet you’re really flexible.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.
Want to go for a ride?
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown