What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
You’re my lucky charm.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
I like you sow much.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
"That's all, yolks."
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.