Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Treat yo shelves.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.