Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
To get to the other tide.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.