What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?