What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
Nice pumpkins!
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko