“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
I know Benjamin Franklin.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
You're the only sight I want to see today.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.