Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
"I'm eggs-hausted."
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
Let's do lunge together
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.