Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Your presents is requested.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
Time to spruce things up.
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
Are you maple syrup? ‘Cause you taste so sweet.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!