“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
This vacation has been sand-sational!
You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Snow on and snow forth.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.