What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
It's lit.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman