What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Tricks aren’t really my thing. But you’re sure a treat.
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Some people have no guts."
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.