What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.