Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
It's lit.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
Want to become my new personal best?
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
Man: Did you fall from heaven?
Woman: No, but I'm an Angel and died fifteen years ago... just like that pick up line.