How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
I love you so fairy much.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.