“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
I think you’re dandelion.
How about we get down to monkey business?
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Don't even chai.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.