Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Better read than dead.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.