Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.

What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!

What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.

Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...

It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.

Football is one habit I will never kick

Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.

What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!

How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.

What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.

How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.

Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?

Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!

How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.

What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.

What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ

Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.

How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.

"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."

If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.

Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"

I less than three you.

Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.

What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.

Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business

My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"

Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.

Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.

The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.

How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!

We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.

Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?

“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao

If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.

Can I hiber-mate with you?

The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.

Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.

This weekend is going to be LITerary.

I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.