Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
You’re right up my alley.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!