"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
How was Heaven when you left it?
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
You set my heart bonfire.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
People are always after me lucky charms.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
Car puns are really tiring
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“Monday should be optional.”
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.