“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Are you on the endangered species list cause baby you are one of a kind!
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.