“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock

People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.

What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.

Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

"I Have a Little Frog"

I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!

A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.

When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.

Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.

Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.

What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.

My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.

What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.

I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.

Baby, you rock my world!

Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there

You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny

Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.

Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.

I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot

"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."

- Grant Tucke

I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"

The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."

The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"

Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.

Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)

How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.

I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.

What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!

My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.

What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.

What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows

You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.