The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
Baby, you're a firework.
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
"Eggs love you."
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!