How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
There’s snow one like you.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
You’re the queen of my heart.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?