Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.