What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
"I wood never leaf you."
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
"I make pour decisions."
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.