There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
Octopus ocular optics.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.