What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.

If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”

- Ryan Reynolds.

Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.

What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.

What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.

I aorta tell you how much I love you.

It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous

"The Upside-Down World"

I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;

And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;

And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.

– Hamish Hendry

Subway - Lettuce know how we did.

There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.

A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.

Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.

Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.

I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea

"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."

I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one

I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.

Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide

Don’t come to France without any Monet.

Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.

What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”

Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.

My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy

Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”

- Dorothy Parker.

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.

Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.

Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.

Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?

What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!

Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.

For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.

Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.

Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.

Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!

The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.

What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.

What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.