“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!