Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!

What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.

My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.

“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews

Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.

What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.

The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.

What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”

He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.

“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers

Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.

"The Upside-Down World"

I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;

And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;

And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.

– Hamish Hendry

I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk

What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”

How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.

I’m in such a Henri to get to France!

Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.

What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton

Please excuse my resting beach face.

What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.

Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.

I see we’re both doing Pigeons!

Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.

Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.

What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.

Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.

What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius

This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.

If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.

I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.

What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.

What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.

Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.

What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.

Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!

You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.

There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...

Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.

What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.

The calm before the score

You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.

What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!

I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.