What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
Don't worry, bee happy!
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
"Dying to have fun."
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
You should dress up as a baker for Halloween with that set of buns.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Fall is a-maize-ing.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.