“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
Honestly, I really lilac you.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
I have the final sleigh.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
How about you and I form a binary system?
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
Want to lock our bikes together?
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
Biology - It grows on you.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
I like you a latte.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.