How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"I'm nuts about you."
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
"Be kind, re-wine."
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
Snow on and snow forth.