Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
Angels could fly, but I didn't know they could run.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.