Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.

“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam

After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.

"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."

Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.

How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.

Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!

What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long

"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."

I’m establishing my punning game early today.

It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.

What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.

What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor

My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.

I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.

After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.

I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.

Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.

Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather

Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted

The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.

What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.

You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.

Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.

What is the study of real estate? Homology

What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.

A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.

Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.

How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.

What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"

During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.

How do you organize a space party? You planet!

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.

The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.

[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.

While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"

"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle

I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.

If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.