What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
I love when you coddle me.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
"Partners in wine."
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'