Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
Hey girl, my gold medal might be shiny but it looks like a dull penny compared to that sparkle in your eyes
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops