I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous

The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.

Girls just wanna have sun!

You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.

What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!

I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.

Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss

Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!

“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell

Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.

Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.

"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain

What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”

My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"

How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.

I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...

Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.

My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.

Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.

What do you call a group of arms?
An army.

What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.

“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown

Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.

What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.

The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.

What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.

What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.

“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields

What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!

What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!

Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.

What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.

Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.

What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer

If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"

Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D

"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers

Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!

Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.

Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.

A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.