Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
I read dead people.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.