Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!