What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
Are you a model?
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus