My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.