What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
It's always a first class trip with me.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
God was just showing off when he made you.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth