Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Look for a rainbow connection.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
Take off all your cloves.
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
The only thing hotter than today is you.
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.