My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”

Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!

Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!

Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.

This summer is going swimmingly.

Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.

Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.

Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.

What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.

“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell

I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.

I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.

“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”

There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.

You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.

What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark

Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”

Adam? More like ahh-damn.

Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!

When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.

Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.

“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”

Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.

I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.

Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.

Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.

“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!

What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.

The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.

You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.

The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.

What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.

What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.