If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
I’ve got my ion you, baby.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
Your pace or mine?
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
You look like a vision in your dress tartan.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.