How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.