A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.