“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
For instant fun, just add water.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
He’s my pinch charming.