When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
"You had me at merlot."
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.