Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
I'm acorn-y person.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?