Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I came here looking for a little tail.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
You are my raisin to smile.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.