I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.

What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.

Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.

“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown

What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.

Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers

"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.

What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!

Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.

What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.

Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!

Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.

What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.

If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!

What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.

You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.

Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.

What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum

Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.

What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.

You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.

Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.

Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.

My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.

How do trains eat?
They chew chew.

You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.

What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.

It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.

Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.

McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.

Adam? More like ahh-damn.

All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.

The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.

Why was the broom late? It over swept!

What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.

I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.

I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"

Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.

"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn

What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!

Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.

What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.