Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
Shave a single shingle thin.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to my prayers.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.