Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
These book puns have tickled your spine.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
The sun is just a big space heater.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
"Stop and smell the rosé."
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!