I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.

What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.

Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.

Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.

I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.

It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.

I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.

(Martin Dejnicki)

I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.

Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.

(Theodore Higgingsworth)

Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?

What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.

Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.

What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!

Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.

My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.

Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.

A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.

There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.

(William Robinson)

How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"

I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.

Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.

I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon

Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.

What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.

I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus

Promise you won’t Char-leave?

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!

What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.

What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.

Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!

What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter

Why do you only drive automatics?

‘I could never find a manual.’

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.

What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.

Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!

Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.

What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.

What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.

A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.

People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.

Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.

The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.

Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!

"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."

When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'

“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”

If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.