"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to use a condom?
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
It was mitten in the stars.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"