What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.

When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.

What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.

49. What does a child car play with?

Toy-otas.

Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!

“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain

Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.

What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.

Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.

When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.

An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.

Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.

“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal

Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!

What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”

Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.

I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!

I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!

Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?

(Laura Loo)

Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!

What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.

You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.

Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.

Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.

What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.

What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.

Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.

Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!

I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!

The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.

Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.

I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.

What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box

Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!

One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.

What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.

The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!

What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.

If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.

There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.

A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.

Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?

Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.

What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.

Composers always score.

I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.

Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.

When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".