“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
In on the ground flora.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
"No body won the skeleton race."
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
"I need to re-wine my life."
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown