Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
I came here looking for a little tail.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
"You make me egg-static."
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown