Air resistance is a real drag.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
Go big or go gnome.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.