What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
I scored when I met you.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
Life is brew-tiful!
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
Everybody romaine calm.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown