What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
We’re in a-green-ment.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.