"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
I think you're barbe-cute.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"