I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
I beg your garden?
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.