Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.

If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you

What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.

It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.

Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.

"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.

Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.

A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"

"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."

What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray

I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?

The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”

Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?

It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.

I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.

On the other hand, you don't.

I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.

What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.

"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar

“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy

Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.

Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.

“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.

I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.

What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.

“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”

- Jarod Kintz.

“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown

Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.

Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns

Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.

“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld

"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher

Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.

“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”

- Sigmund Freud

“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud

Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia

Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!

Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.

What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.

“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown

Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!