What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
You're as hot as a desert summer.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"