Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
I didn't know angels flew this low.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
"I don't tan. I burn"
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.