You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
There’s no trick in these pants.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.