Having a ball
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
You look good on your yoga mat.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
I really caribou-t you.
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.