A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Yule be sorry.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
The mothership has returned and I must leave.