What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
You're not allowed to use your hands in this game.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
I hope for world peas.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?